When a pet dies: How to help your child grieve

Pets play a significant role in many children’s lives. In the United States, about two thirds of households include an animal friend! Research tells us taking care of a pet can help children practice empathy, build self-esteem and learn social skills.  

Kids who are actively engaged in pet care can form deep bonds that resemble human-to-human relationships. Pets can be companions, confidants, friends and sources of comfort. In some cases, pets are almost like siblings. 

When a pet dies, children experience significant loss.  

Adults can help grieving children by remembering how strong kid-pet bonds can be. Ask yourself: If I lost a close relative or sibling, how would I feel? How would I want people to support me? We want to give grieving children that level of care and thoughtfulness. 

Children grieve differently than adults 

Grieving can be difficult for children because they are still learning how to understand death. Losing a pet is often a child’s first experience with death and grief. They are exploring new feelings, concepts and developing coping skills during deep sadness.  

Over time, kids learn what causes death and that it means the body stops functioning. As they get older, they can grasp that death is irreversible and universal — part of the life cycle. See the chart below to track how children’s understanding of death changes as they grow. 

A child’s grief for a pet can be intense and long-lasting — especially compared to how you may grieve. In general, younger children have more intense pet grief than older teens, but every kid’s process is unique. In children, grief can look like suddenly acting younger than their age, having bad dreams, battling irrational fears or experiencing physical symptoms, like head or stomach aches. 

How to help your child grieve a pet 

• Let them know what to expect. It’s not always possible, but research shows preparing children ahead of time helps. It doesn’t harm children to talk about death before it happens. If your pet is older or having health issues, talk to children about death (what might cause it, what your family might do afterward) in an age-appropriate way. Reading books together can be a great way to start the conversation. (See the reading list below for a few suggestions!)  
• Use concrete language to describe death. Try specific and simple terms: Their body doesn’t work anymore. Their heart stopped beating, or their lungs stopped working. Their body is broken and can’t be fixed. Some of the common phrases our culture substitutes for death — passed away, gone away, gone to sleep — can confuse kids and create fears, especially about sleep.  
• Answer their questions (when you can). Encourage your child’s questions about death. It can help you understand what they do and don’t know. Many young children have worries, fears and misconceptions about death you can clarify. It’s also OK to be honest when you don’t know the answer. Again, books can help spark both questions and conversations.  
• If you have them, talk about your family’s beliefs about death, heaven or the afterlife. Remember that young children don’t have the abstract thinking skills to understand concepts like eternity. Try to avoid metaphorical language (“they are looking down on you”) that kids might take literally. If your family believes in heaven, it’s common for children to ask who will feed, walk or play with their pet there. You may need to reassure them their pet will be cared for after death. 
• Give kids ways to express and process their emotions. Help your child “continue bonds,” or maintain an emotional connection with their pet. Reminiscing, writing stories, having a memorial service, planting flowers and making art may be helpful activities. Feel free to create your own activity and adjust to what works (and doesn’t).  
   
  If an activity or practice, like leaving a leash hung up, upsets your child — if their grief symptoms are getting worse, not better — it’s OK to try something else. Fun distractions can be good, too, as long as your child isn’t trying to avoid grief entirely. Remember to take care of your own grief, as well. Adults need to process their feelings, too! 
• Reach out to a professional if your child needs extra support. If it’s been more than a month, and your child’s experience of grief is still intense and disrupting their life, talk to your primary care physician. Clinically, that's when we start to be concerned about prolonged grief, trauma and/or PTSD. Prolonged grief might look like not being able to sleep, trouble concentrating at school or acting out aggressively. Research shows that prolonged grief can lead to more serious issues, including behavioral problems, hyperactivity or struggles with peers. Your PCP can help assess what is going on and potentially refer you to a therapist or counselor.  

Loss is an inevitable part of caring for a pet. With support from adults, children can learn how to both love and grieve well. 

Reading list by age

• The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr (2015) - ages 2 to 4 
• The Invisible Leash by Patrice Karst (2019) - ages 3+ 
• Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie (1983) - ages 3 to 6 
• When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers (1988) - ages 3 to 6 
• Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas (2004) - ages 3 to 7 
• I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm (1988) - ages 3 to 8 
• Big Cat Pepper by Elizabeth Partridge (2009) - ages 3 to 8 
• The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst (1971) - ages 5 to 9