Helping kids when they feel left out

It’s hard to see your child come home feeling sad, quiet or upset. Sometimes, it’s because they feel left out. Maybe they weren’t invited to a party, didn’t get picked at recess or felt ignored in a group chat. Being left out can hurt, especially as kids get older and friendships become more important. 

So how can parents tell when something’s wrong, help their child feel better and teach them how to handle tough moments? Here are some tips. 

Signs your child might feel left out 

Kids don’t always say they feel left out. Instead, they might act differently. You may notice changes in their behavior or mood. 

Here are some signs to watch for: 

• Feeling nervous. They may not want to go to school or play with others. 
• Feeling sad. You may notice them being extra quiet, spending time alone or losing interest in their favorite things. 
• Feeling sick. You may hear complaints of frequent headaches or stomachaches before school or play dates, although there may be no underlying medical reason. 
• Saying mean things about themselves. You may hear them say things like “no one likes me.” 
• Changing friendships. They may avoid talking about certain friends or getting fewer invites than before. 

Make home a safe place to talk 

You hold the keys to making a safe space to have these conversations with your child – right in your own home. Here are a few helpful strategies to make home a safe environment to share their feelings. 

• Let them lead. Some kids talk right away, others need time. Say things like, “I’m here if you want to talk.” 
• Stay calm. If you get upset, your child might shut down. Staying calm helps them feel safe. 
• Listen without judging. Don’t compare them to others or try to fix things right away. 
• Use simple words. Speak in language your child can understand. Younger kids understand words like “sad” or “mad” while older kids might say “embarrassed” or “left out.” 

How age makes a difference 

Feeling left out looks different at each age. Preschoolers are still learning how to play with others. Elementary kids are learning social skills and might make mistakes. Teens care a lot about friends, so being left out can hurt more and have longer lasting impact. 

How to support without fixing everything 

As much as you want to, you can’t fix everything for your children. But a few key phrases can validate them and make them feel seen, heard and loved. 

• Repeat what they said. Let them know you heard and understood what upset them.  
  • Example: “It really stunk when they didn’t let you play.” 
• Say their feelings are OK. Let them know whatever it is they’re feeling, it isn’t wrong. 
  • Example: “I can see why you’d feel angry.” 
• Let them know it’s normal. Tell them they aren’t alone in what they’re feeling or experiencing. 
  • Example: “Everyone feels left out sometimes.” 
• Thank them for sharing. Let them know you appreciate them opening up to you, and that you’re always there for them. 
  • Example: “Thanks for telling me how you feel.” 
• Point out their strengths. Remind them of all the things they’re great at and that you love about them! 
  • Example: “You’re so creative and kind.” 
• Ask what they want. Sometimes kids want an ear, other times they want other support. Let them tell you what they need most. 
  • Example: “Do you want me to just listen or help you think of ideas?” 

Helping kids build confidence 

A little confidence goes a long way! Below are a few ideas that can help your child find a friend group, activity or hobby that makes them happy and confident. 

• Encourage them to play with younger or older kids or adults. This shouldn’t replace playdates with kids who are the same age, but it can help your child “practice” talking and playing in a safer, more predictable way. 
• Help them do things they’re good at, like sports, art or reading. 
• Find clubs or activities where they can meet friends who like the same things. Sometimes it is important to explore activities outside of school to meet and hang out with different groups. 

When to worry 

While you hope being left out is just part of growing up, there are instances where it could be something more. If your child is really struggling to understand social back and forth or social rules, even though you’ve coached and they keep practicing, it may be time to seek professional guidance or social skills training. If someone is trying to hurt your child, it happens over and over again, or the other person has more power, it could be bullying. If your child is scared to talk to others or perform in front of people, they could be experiencing social anxiety. 

Working with teachers and caregivers

Teachers and school staff can help. They see how kids act at lunch, recess or after school. Talk to teachers during conferences or IEP meetings. Send a note if you’re worried. Ask about clubs or activities your child might enjoy. Structured activities like gaming or activity clubs, community events, or sports can help kids make friends in a safe way. 

Being left out hurts, but it’s also a chance to grow. With your help, your child can learn how to handle tough moments, feel stronger and build better friendships. You don’t need to fix everything. Just being there, listening and showing love makes a big difference.