Anybody who grew up with brothers or sisters knows about sibling
rivalry. Sometimes intense, other times mild ... it’s something that’s
just another fact of life in most households.
That doesn’t make it any easier for parents to take the bickering,
teasing, name calling and worse which can accompany a sibling fight.
What can help is understanding the causes of sibling rivalry and
learning ways to minimize the incidences.
That’s where the experts at Children’s Mercy Hospitals and Clinics can
help.
"Children have to share the attention — the love — of their parents and
that’s bound to lead to some friction," explains Dr. David Bennett, a
clinical psychologist in
the Developmental Medicine and Psychology Department at Children’s
Mercy. "While most sibling arguments are an effort to gain parents’
attention, the fights usually revolve around possessions, privacy,
power and privilege."
Experts agree that children of the same sex have more difficulty
getting along than children of the opposite sex. They also believe that
there is sometimes more conflict between children who are less than two
years apart.
But for the most part, the real keys to sibling wars are personality
and how parents respond to the children. For example: some parents are
constantly comparing one child to another or casting the children in
rigid roles. This almost always pits one child against another.
There are many positive steps you can take to minimize sibling rivalry.
The following guidelines can help you maintain harmony on the home
front:
- Establish rules for appropriate behavior and consequences for
breaking the rules. Most important: be consistent among children.
Intervene when necessary. Younger children need parental intervention
more than older kids. Let the older ones come up with their own
solutions.
- Don’t take sides. Avoid being the referee. Acknowledge the negative
feelings siblings sometimes have toward one another.
- Try to meet each child’s individual needs. Younger ones can’t
always do what the older ones can, but it’s important not to restrict
the older ones too much.
- Don’t try to make everything equal. There’s no way to please
everyone all the time. To treat all kids equally sends the message that
you see your children in terms of their brothers and sisters.
- Remove the object of desire.
- Insist that children play by themselves. In no time at all, they
will be anxious to get back together and will work hard to avoid
conflicts that could force the separation.
- Redirect their energy. Sometimes fighting is just the next, best
option for kids who are bored, or tired of playing. Parents need to
assess the situation and suggest alternatives.
- Set a good example. Parents need to be good role models. If the
children see you and your spouse treating each other with kindness and
respect, they will learn to behave the same way toward each other.
