Parents aren’t the only ones who have a lot of getting used to when
divorce strikes a family. Children, too, need help getting used to a
new way of life.
Divorce can be seen as a loss of the family as a unit and, like a
death, often includes feelings of sadness and loss. How much stress
occurs in children and how long it lasts depends on a number of things.
But one of the most important is the kid of support children get from
their parents.
There are many ways parents can prepare their children for the changes
ahead, says Dr. Edward Christophersen, clinical psychologist,
Developmental and Behavioral Sciences at Children’s Mercy Hospitals and
Clinics.
Talk to your children about the separation and divorce.
Think about what your children can understand and be open and honest
with them. It will help them to know what is happening, especially the
things that directly affect them. Be sensitive to your child’s needs
and try to pace the changes so that not too many of them happen all at
once. This will help the children feel more secure.
Anticipate questions like: "Why are you getting divorced?" "Was the
divorce my fault?" "Where am I going to live?" "Can I still see my
grandparents?" "Will you ever get back together again?" and more.
Also, talk to your children about the changes in their roles within the
family. If you are going back to work or changing work hours, talk to
the children about how they may need to help out more around the house.
Caution: Do not use your children to replace your ex-spouse. Avoid such
statements as, "You’re the man of the house now," or "Now I have to
depend on you." That could be too much pressure on the children and
scare them.
Try your best to understand the feelings of your children.
Even though this is a tough time for you, it is probably even harder
for your children. Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Talking
about feelings is good for everyone involved. it can reduce the stress
you all feel.
Try not to let anger or legal battles cause you to overlook your
child’s needs.
Children should not be exposed to arguments between divorced parents.
This an make it harder for the children to adjust. It is important to
keep the lines of communication open with your ex-spouse and work
together for the sake of the children. Sometimes parents choose to
discuss parenting issues when they meet before of after a child’s visit
with the other parent. If such face-to-face talks result in arguments,
talk about these issues over the phone or see a counselor.
Don’t use the child as a messenger in parental communication.
Don’t use the children as spies and don’t use the children as allies in
parental battles.
Respect the relationship between your children and their other
parent.
Unless your ex-spouse is unfit to parent, try not to let your
differences keep your child away from him or her. Remember: One of the
most important ways to help your children cope with a separation or
divorce is to help them maintain strong, loving relationships with both
parents.
Keep your children’s daily routines simple and predictable.
Children still need consistent discipline and reliable boundaries. As
much as possible, parents living in separate households should try to
set consistent rules with their children. This will help avoid
confusion of what is expected of the.
Know, too, that most children can and will adjust to their parents’
divorce. Children often have amazing strengths. Sometimes, closer
relationships with both parents develop after separation or divorce. In
time, most children learn to accept the changes brought on by divorce,
especially if parents can get along with each other and remain warm and
loving to their children.
