’Tis the season to be jolly … and the season to be spoiled too, right?
Maybe that’s what’s worrying you. After all, this is a time of year
when the emphasis seems to be on material things. Look under your
Christmas tree!
But there’s more to spoiling a child than the size of the Christmas
bounty. In fact, it's not the things that matter at all. It's the
attitude … theirs and yours.
"You can't tell if a child is spoiled by looking in his toy chest,"
says Dr. Edward Christophersen, clinical psychologist at Children's
Mercy Hospitals and Clinics. "What kids of skills does he have? How
does he interact? Can he
cope with frustration? Those things are more important than
possessions."
"Spoiled" is a slippery concept that includes poor impulse control,
misbehavior and excessive self-centeredness. Spoiled kids are
manipulative, inconsiderate of others and are prone to throw temper
tantrums. "Nobody likes to be around these kids, not even those who
love them," Christophersen says.
Toddlerhood and pre-school years are an important time for shaping
spoiled behavior, or its opposite. As children grow past the "terrible
twos," they acquire communication skills, grasp requirements and learn
to express needs and desires in acceptable fashion. Generally, behavior
improves as children reach school age and understand that others have
rights, that not all needs can be met immediately and that there is a
difference between "wanting" and "needing."
Problem behavior can result from breakdowns in this socialization
process. Parents need to enforce consistent, age-appropriate boundaries
for behavior.
"Spoiled kids aren't necessarily bad kids," Christophersen says.
"Sometimes parents haven't set appropriate limits."
The label "spoiled" also involves the crucial element of a lack of
caring for other people. The spoiled child often isn't likable because
he doesn't like or care about anybody. And that has nothing to do with
having an overflowing toy box.
Research on altruism and empathy shows that parents can help promote a
child's inclination to help others. One study showed that school-age
children, who were involved in projects such as making toys for
hospitalized children, continued to exhibit feelings of empathy toward
people in other areas of life.
The trick, Christophersen says, is helping children experience positive
consequences in specific ways. He says some friends of his took their
young child to work at a mission on Christmas Day: "That's a lot more
effective than sitting home in suburbia lecturing about homelessness."
Children are also more caring when they can look at things through the
eyes of someone else: so-called "perspective taking." Parents can
encourage a shift in focus by explaining the reasons for rules. Instead
of simply scolding a child for taking another's toy away, say, "You're
making him feel bad when you take away the toy."
So go ahead and keep wrapping those presents and don't worry. It's your
actions, not your gifts, that mean the most to your kids.
