Imagine two young children playing with blocks, stacking them into a
tower ... reaching for the moon. With a simple misplacement of one
block, the tower comes tumbling down.
One of the kids just shrugs, takes a deep breath and starts the process
all over again ... reaching for the moon.
But the other child bursts out in tears, kicks the blocks and stomps
off ... forget the moon, this child simply abandons the project when
things don’t go his way.
The difference?
The first child is learning to deal with adversity and moving forward.
The other is giving up, waiting for someone to rescue him. Care to
guess which child has a better chance of long-term success in life?
"The kids who will win are the ones who have faced defeat and
persevered," explains Dr. Edward Christophersen, clinical psychologist,
Children's Mercy Hospitals and Clinics.
At issue is a concept called Emotional Intelligence, known popularly as
EQ. It’s a phrase coined in 1990 by a Yale psychologist to describe
such things as understanding one’s own feelings, having empathy for the
feelings of others and the regulation of emotions in ways that enhance
living. There’s also a book on the topic, "Emotional Intelligence,"
by Daniel Goleman, a Harvard psychologist.
Although emotional intelligence is newly defined, Dr. Christophersen
for years has been working with parents and children to encourage them
to learn to control and understand their emotions. Unlike IQ, or
brainpower, Dr. Chrisophersen says it is possible to increase EQ.
"We can teach children the skills they need to increase their emotional
intelligence," Dr. Christophersen says. "One important thing for
parents is to let children deal with situations occasions on their own.
They can’t keep coming to their rescue."
Dr. Christophersen says he believes EQ is just as important as
intelligence. Like IQ that tells us how well someone will handle
intellectual challenges, EQ is a predictor of how people will handle
emotional events. Although there is no test to measure EQ today, Dr.
Christophersen said he believes one will be developed, and is needed.
"This will be another tool to measure development," Dr. Christophersen
says. "Schools should be using it to know if the students’ EQ is high
enough to use their talents to succeed in school."
Dr. Christophersen says helping children learn coping skills is the key
to handling emotional situations. This is not meant to suppress
emotions, but to handle them in a healthy, productive manner. Parents
can play a helpful role in allowing their children to grow emotionally
by not rushing in to bail them out .
"Parents need to pull back and accept things that are less than perfect
so their children will learn on their own," Dr. Christophersen says.
"When something happens to children that they don’t like, when things
don’t go their way, parents have an option. If the kids cry and parents
rescue them, what lesson does that teach? It won’t do them much good in
the long run."
Like most things, the earlier you help children develop emotional
intelligence the better off they will be. Christophersen explains the
standard:
"If you do it before age seven, it will be a piece of cake," he says.
"If you wait until after age 10, it will never be natural."
