A lot of parents are confused: They seem to think that discipline and
punishment are the same thing.
And many parents find this particularly disturbing because while they
genuinely dislike punishing their kids — it really does hurt them more
than it hurts the children — they know without discipline their
children will be out of control.
But we’re talking about two different things here: discipline and
punishment are not the same. Consider that discipline is positive
guidance, help in teaching your children what to do and how to control
their own behavior. Punishment is negative, an unpleasant consequence
for doing or not doing something.
"The right kind of discipline is on-going. It takes place all the
time," explains Dr. Edward Christophersen, child psychologist,
Developmental and Behavioral Sciences at Children's Mercy Hospitals and
Clinics. "Parents need to set boundaries, not
just react when kids misbehave."
One of the first rules of discipline is to keep it as positive as
possible. This means parents should concentrate on rewarding good
behavior.
"Are we motivated to change when we feel good about ourselves or when
we feel shamed and humiliated?" Christophersen asks. "Children do
better when they feel good about themselves."
While discipline (teaching) begins at birth, it becomes much more
complex at around age 18 months. It is then children have a couple of
questions, Christophersen explains: "How much power do I have," and
"What are the limits of my power."
It’s important for parents to set limits and stick to them. Setting
consistent guidelines at a young age will help establish important
rules for the future. Here are some tips to help you maintain
discipline without feeling guilty:
- Offer choices whenever possible. This allows you to set
limits
while still allowing your child some independence.
- Make a game out of good behavior. Your child is more likely
to do
what you want if you make it fun. For example: "Let’s race and see who
can get dressed first."
- Plan ahead. If you know that certain circumstances always
cause
trouble, such as a trip to the grocery store, talk it over before hand,
explaining to your child what is acceptable behavior and the
consequences for acting up.
- Praise good behavior. Rewards need not be extravagant, just
meaningful.
Sometimes, of course, you can’t avoid trouble. Almost all children,
sooner or later, will cross the line you’ve drawn. It’s their way of
learning about trust or finding out if you’ll really do what you say.
- Natural consequences-- When confronted with these — playing
rough and breaking toys means no toys to play with — children learn to
experience the direct result of their actions. Resist the urge to come
to to rescue of the child. Children learn best when they learn for
themselves.
- Logical consequences-- Natural consequences work best, but
they are not always appropriate. If your children don’t pick up their
toys, they’ll be in their way. But that will bother you more than them.
So you need something more. Create a consequence that is closely
connected to the action: If the kids don’t pick up the toys, you’ll put
them away for a day.
- Withholding privileges-- In the heat of the moment, you
might not always be able to think of a logical consequence. Then, you
might want to tell the child if he or she doesn’t cooperate, you’ll
take something away. Remember three things: never take away something
the child truly needs, like a meal; make sure it’s something the child
likes; and be sure you can follow through on the promise.
- Time Out-- This should be the last resort. This is a good
method of discipline if the behavior you’re trying to punish is clearly
defined and you know when it occurred. It works when a momentary break
in the action is needed, such as when a child is hitting a sibling or
friend. To make it work, choose a boring place for time out; send the
child to time out immediately; and set a timer so your child knows when
time out is over.
And then give the child some "time in."
"He’s already done his time," Dr. Christophersen says. "It’s time to
give the child a hug and welcome them back. Time out won’t work without
time in."
