Imagine you and your child are enjoying a little time together,
snuggling in front of the television, dreamily watching one of your
child’s favorite shows.
Suddenly, your quality time is shattered by a ringing of the telephone.
When you go to pick it up, your child follows along. As you visit with
the person on the other end of the line, your child isn’t content to
return to the TV. Instead, he decides now is the time he wants to play
a game with you ... or do just about anything to get your attention.
Why now? Can’t the kids just continue to sit quietly? Don’t they
understand you can’t talk, and pay rapt attention to them all at once?
Do not despair. You and the kids just need a little practice and a
little work on your timing.
"We want our kids to want us ... except when we’re on the telephone,"
said Dr. Edward Christophersen, clinical psychologist, Developmental
and Behavioral Sciences at Children's Mercy Hospitals and
Clinics. "Kids don’t understand that."
For many parents, picking up the telephone serves as a signal for the
children to start misbehaving. They jump on you as you try to carry on
a conversation. They make noise so you’re distracted. They drive you
crazy until you just have to do something about it.
And that’s exactly what they want!
"The kids will do whatever it takes to get your attention," said
Christophersen. "When you get on the phone, you start ignoring your
kids.
"They don’t want us to get off the phone, they just want our attention.
That’s all that they want and they’ll do anything to get it. Even if it
means making you mad."
There are a couple of things Christophersen suggests trying to avoid
misbehaving or attention-grabbing behavior every time the phone rings.
He said you can even practice with make-believe phone calls.
"I often ask parents, ‘Can you move your left hand while you hold the
phone in your right?’ Of course they can. And it’s that simple. All you
have to do when you’re talking on the phone is stroke your child to let
them know you’re still there and you’re still paying attention to them."
He suggests parents make frequent phone calls (even the make-believe
kind) to show children you won’t be abandoning them just because you’re
on the phone. He also suggested making or taking calls when your child
is otherwise engaged.
"If they’re playing a game by themselves, they won’t mind if you get on
the phone. It’s when you’re paying attention to them and the phone
drags you away that they feel ignored," Christophersen said.
The doctor said although the misbehavior might upset parents, getting
angry accomplishes little — except maybe raising the parents’ blood
pressure.
Christophersen said tackling the phone-call behavior issue should not
be considered a control issue with the kids.
"Instead of trying to control your children, you need to decide what
you want to accomplish and then develop a game plan," he said.
In this case, you want time to talk on the phone. The plan: do it when
the kids are otherwise engaged or figure out a way to pay attention to
the kids while you’re on the phone.
"It sounds simple," Christophersen said. "And it is."
