Sooner or later, every child will probably deal with a bully. On the
school bus, at the playground, in the hallway, at a park; wherever
children gather, a bully is not far behind.
Where do these bullies come from?
"Bullies aren’t born, they’re raised. It’s a learned behavior, or the
lack of learning appropriate behavior," says Dave Bennett, PhD,
clinical psychologist at Children’s Mercy Hospitals and Clinics.
Most often, bullies are expressing their own frustration and
unhappiness by directing it toward others. They tend to do poorly in
school, have little positive reinforcement, and may come from a
dysfunctional family. Bullies frequently hang out with other bullies,
which further reinforces their negative behavior.
But don’t confuse bullies with aggressive children, warns Dr. Bennett.
Aggressive children may seem out of control because they act without
thinking. Bullies exhibit self control and usually pick their victims
and plan their attacks. Bullies lack empathy and have trouble
understanding the pain of others. In fact, they may enjoy inflicting
pain.
And contrary to popular thinking, not all bullies are boys. In fact,
until the latter grade school years, girls are more likely to be
bullies than boys because of their faster development. However, girls
tend to bully through verbal means or isolation, rather than physical
intimidation.
"A girl bully can tease and taunt unmercifully," says Dr. Bennett.
"Boys are more likely to push, hit or use other physical means to hurt
others."
Bullies tend to pick victims who are easy targets. Victims often stand
out in a crowd because they act differently (shy, passive, submissive);
dress or speak differently; or physically look different (race,
disability).
When confronted by a bully, Dr. Bennett suggests that children be
equipped with a menu of options for handling the conflict.
Dr. Bennett recommends the following techniques:
- Walk away.
- Ignore the bully. Bullies seek a reaction of fear or frustration.
If they don’t get it, and if there are no other children around to
encourage them to continue, this may work.
- Use humor to de-escalate the situation. Appropriately used and
directed, humor can diffuse a bully’s aggression.
- Be assertive. Your child should make it clear to the bully that
his/her behavior is not appreciated. Your child can say something such
as "Stop doing that. That’s not fair." Fairness seems to strike a chord
with other children and may elicit support for the victim from other
children, according to Dr. Bennett.
"The more your child can stay in control and respond appropriately to
the situation, the less likely the bully will continue to bother him or
her," says Dr. Bennett.
As for parents, it is important that you let your child know it is not
their fault that a they are being bothered by a bully and that you are
there to help them. "There is no substitute for good parent-child
communication," says Dr. Bennett. "Working together, you can help your
child through this difficult learning experience."
If you are concerned that your child may be the neighborhood bully,
don’t give up hope. A bully’s behavior can be changed. But the longer
you wait, the harder it gets. If your child is exhibiting bullying
behaviors, Dr. Bennett offers these tips:
- Make it clear that bullying behavior is unacceptable.
- Give them constructive feedback on how they can react differently
to their frustration or anger.
- Reward good behavior.
- Watch your own behavior to make sure you are not using physical or
verbal intimidation in your home. Do not tolerate this type of behavior
in your home, including on television or in music.
- Keep a positive attitude.
- If the problem seems beyond your control, seek professional help
from a qualified pediatric professional.
